The Onion Ring

Safad, Falka, Ironica, and Rook entered the musty root cellar that stood not two hundred paces from the inn's kitchen back door. They saw what they expected to see: sacks, crates, hanging strands of garlic, drying herbs, curing meats...ahh but there was a well-scraped rut by one of the crates. They pushed it aside and found a crawlspace that led to a thick oaken door. And in they went. 

Inside was spacious cavern with naturally vaulted ceilings, torches and lanterns bolted into the walls, illuminating a smokey mob of clamorous market-goers. All the tribes were represented and many visitors, maybe 80 to 100 souls in the crowded space, all assembled around a sunken amphitheater with a blood-spattered dusty floor. There were a few goblins throwing copper pieces into the pit where a rat tussled with a bat, seemingly a warm up for the tournament to come. 

Rufus Danz was shouting above the din; they needed one more animal to make 12 and need no first-round byes. He was standing next to a large board with all the contestants' name's scrawled in chalk. 

Safad and co walked over to Log the Bookie, the dragonborn bookie, who looked at Safad, looked at Rook, and waited expectantly. 

"You sure you want to do this, Rook?" Safad asked his familiar. 

"Yes. You brought me out of that damnable moth-ridden chest in Old Weir, it's my turn to contribute. To earn something for the party. Let's go." Rook's voice grumbled through the party's heads. 

Safad turned to Log the Bookie and told him he would be entering in the Rook the Raven. And he'd be betting 189 gold on him. It was hard to discern with the dragonborn's scaly features, but Safad thought he saw an eyebrow raise. "Mootscarp rules apply, 'cept for of course, this is a death match. But no magic. No cheating, no juicing the bird here, OK? Fair, clean, fights to the death. That's what people come to see and pay for. You cheat, you're out, everything forfeited. You may likely be banned from trading with those who catch you, too. You're going to have long odds on that raven, you sure about all that gold--doesn't look like you have much to spare, mister."  

"Don't worry about it," Safad assured him. 

"You sure you don't want to see all the animals your bird may get matched up with? There are some pretty gnarly ones tonight, like a giant wa--" Log began. 

"Nah, he'll be fine," Safad said. 

"Sure. Well here's how it works: you make it through the first round, you get your entrance fee plus one gold back. Next round you get a sixth of your odds times your bets; semi finals you get a third of your odds times your bets; and if you win you get your odds times your bets. Get paid out after each round. Stand to make a pretty penny..." 

"Thanks." Safad turned to Falka and nodded. She ran off back to the market to find a salve that would help fortify Rook. Ironica sized up the crowd. 

All the bets were placed and the first round pairings were pulled. Bally v Shree; Stan v Aurelio; Liggy v Sellsun; Dackan v Growan; Rook v Feck; and Hest v Sturg. The announcer hushed the crowd and shouted out the first match up. 

"Tribes of the High Moor; Travelers to the Mootscarp; tonight we offer you a rare and delightful feast of tubers and roots, exotic and local turnips alike...welcome to the Onion Ring!" The crowd cheered as Bally and Shree took their positions with their handlers in the pit. Spectators queued for ale and spirits sold by a few vendors. Side bets were placed. Someone complained, "Jogur, did you just gas me? You farted here? Indoors, underground? Disgusting excuse for a Mist Crow..." It stank. This, 'Jogur,' laughed and replied, "I'm sorry I'm still not used to Visp's spice at Hot Shop...at least I didn't shit myself, hee hee! That would be terrible." "No one would do that down here," the first replied. 

And the matches began. It was bloody, gruesome, feral, and the crowd loved it. Cheering every hit, lamenting every near-miss. Dog bested hawk; cock defeated cat; snake outmatched lizard; giant rat overcame baby giant bat; giant wasp destroyed badger with deadly poison; and then it was Rook versus Feck the goat. The party had already juiced him up with Shen-a's salve, but when they saw that goat charge and bludgeon the raven right out the gates, they knew they had to take more drastic measures. 

First, it was their lady luck coins, blessing Rook with good luck. Then it progressed to blatant magic use. Falka employed her Mark of the Goddess to absorb some damage, unnoticed. But then she began hurling a series of blood curses at the goat, blinding him. She timed it for just when Rook flew in with talons, but only went unnoticed by successfully feinting. Safad cast his guidance cantrip. Still, the goat badgered the raven. All seemed lost. Ironica knew what to do. She ran off toward the entrance, blatantly stole from a Red Tusk, and bolted. The distraction worked, and Falka slung one last curse just as Rook went in for a final dive. He won. 

Safad went up to Log and collected his 2 gold pieces. Log told him the next draw was against Sturg. "What is Sturg?" Safad asked. "That giant wasp I warned you about..." 

"Crap." 

Safad began to run a schematic by Falka he was designing on the fly for a custom raven leather armor. Falka looked at him, knew she was out of cheating spells, and ran off to get Dala'gse and Slothrop to sub in. She found Slothrop about to begin another round of three-dragon-ante, and sent him down to the Onion Ring. She bounded up the stairs and knocked on Heathayla's door to get Dala'gse. She promised she would take over caring for the child. "You mean it?" Asked Dala'gse. "Yes, of course," said Falka. Dala'gse made his way down to the Onion Ring. 

Meanwhile, Ironica was hiding out in Lissoli's room, when the gnome burst in, flushed and giggling. She ran over to Ironica and told her she had a wonderful date with Laurie and that things had gotten to a point where they couldn't go any further unless...well, unless they had some performance modification. She told Ironica she had heard of this ingredient called littleleaf that the Serpent Sons sold, and if mixed correctly it could produce a potion that shrinks the imbiber. "Ah-ha!" Ironica said she was on it.

She ran off to the market where she eventually found Halamba, the herbs and spices vendor of the Serpent Sons. He said he did have littleleaf and he would sell it to her for 10 gold pieces. He measured it out in a pouch for her. Ironica said it was for a friend of Lissoli's and Lissoli would pay, that her friend had gambled away all their life savings. Halamba said he needed some kind of collateral. Ironica asked him to think of a fantasy he wanted to bring to life; she could make it real for him. He may have misunderstood, and quickly began undressing. Ironica asked him to describe it. The Serpent Son in the next stall reminded Halamba to think of his wife. Halamba described "slithering pythons" a certain position from his homeland that he would be very much interested in. He closed the tent flap and set down the littleleaf. 

Ironica cast a minor illusion of her self undressing, and managed to hide at just the right moment, dropping out of sight as her projected self stepped out of her leggings. Halamba bought it, very eager for slithering pythons with this naked halfling lass. Ironica grabbed the herb and took off. 

She had barely knocked three times on Laurie's den door when a blushing Lissoli pulled her in. Lissoli had barely covered herself, and Laurie was awkwardly posed on the bed, a thick wool blanket showing a strong bulge near his midsection. Ironica gave Lissoli the leaf and said it was on her, she took care of it. Ironica wished them well and headed back to Lissoli's room to get a disguise for the next round of the Onion Ring. 

In another room at the inn, Falka was betraying Dala'gse's trust. Heathayla came to and muttered about getting to Davna, she needed Davna she needed to get there...was Falka Davna? Falka offered to braid Shen-a's hair and instead attempted to grapple her to steal the baby. She failed and entered a screaming standoff with the goblin. Falka's eyes twinkled as she evoked her blood curse, blood pouring freely out of the wound in her arm as she sprayed it around the room, yelled, and stabbed herself with a dagger before tossing it at the shocked Shen-a. 

The door burst open and a crowd gathered, soon dispersed by Ledo who told everyone to go downstairs while he took the child and Bhin called Shen-a and Falka into a room across the hall. He cast some incantation and asked Shen-a to describe what happened. She did so truthfully. Bhin was satisfied. He smiled at Falka and asked her to tell him why things had unfolded as Shen-a described. Sensing her opening, Falka walked a thing line to freedom, explaining that she was attempting to overthrow the Hark for their trafficking in body parts, and she thought someone was trying to steal the child. Bhin thanked her for her concern but recommended a less dramatic approach. If she was interested, he and some Lessandyl would be meeting on the morrow to discuss just that problem. Fine, Falka agreed, and went back to the Onion Ring. 

With the party assembled and spread out in the underground cavern, they were ready to cheat their way to victory.  Slothrop spotted Bally's handler rubbing some kind of oil on the dog. He made short work of intimidating the orc and getting some of the oil for Rook. He and Safad rubbed it into the Raven's feathers, while Safad cast his resistance cantrip on the bird, feigning a cough. The announcer introduced the next round of matches and the fighting began. 

Bally fell to Sellsun the snake, and Aurelio the cock managed to take down the giant rat, Growan. Aurelio was the worst seed and would get a bye to the championship. Next up it was Sturg the Giant Wasp versus Rook the Raven. The announcer pronounced, "Fight." And the crowd quieted. 

Sturg bombed straight for Rook stinging him viciously in the breast and poisoning him. Rook went at Sturg but missed, critically, and suffered a crisis of morale. Falka punched a Hark in the face  so that Dala'gse could sneak a healing spell to Rook. A Mist Crow and a Red Tusk noticed, and told him they needed a cut for their silence. Safad gave Rook an inspiring pep talk and the fighting commenced. They traded misses and then blows and Rook once again looked haggard, but he had landed one on the wasp. Dala'gse needed to heal Rook again, so Slothrop squatted to defecate bodily. Ironica wanted to help as well, and distracted Sturg's handler with Tasha's Hideous Laughter as Falka pants'ed the wasp's Red Tusk handler. It was mayhem. 

The crowd was holding their nose and yelling. Bouncers headed toward Slothrop and Falka. Slothrop ran in the opposite direction and threw his dung at Sturg. A pause was called in the match, as the Red Tusk handler tried to clean off the wasp, but he found it difficult he was laughing so hard, everything was suddenly funny with Ironica's enchantment. And besides, he was naked, and the crowd was oggling his Natural 20 endowment. But Rook was back to health, and Sturg was wounded and demoralized. 

Soon the fight began anew. The two animals danced in the air. Rook hit once. Then Sturg got him good, but he resisted the poison. Sturg missed, Rook missed. Feint, dodge, tumble, somersault. And finally, Rook gripped the wasp's carapace and pecked its eye out. Sturg fell to the dusty pit floor, defeated. 

Safad broke into a triumphant howl. Yelling about Hokies and Singing victory songs from his homeland. 

The Red Tusk and Mist Crow eyed Dala'gse as Safad ran up to Log the Bookie to collect the party's 315 gold in winnings. The crowd watched, greedily. The Mist Crow made Dala'gse swear and shake they they would receive half the pay out. He agreed. 

The announcer prepared for the next round.